Trying To Keep Going When My Tank Is Empty.

"If you dwell on how stressed you are, or how tired, or how sick or overwhelmed, you're done. You're dwelling on your empty tank. But if, on those depleted days, you consciously focus on your Lord's inexhaustible strength, your Lord's unlimited power, you will be able to keep driving when you thought you couldn't go another mile."

Today I was surfing online to find some answers. This quote really struck me. Aaron and I have been going through a rough few days financially. I don't know how any of this happend, but the fact is; it did. There is nothing we can do now. All we can do is recover. I've been feeling overwhelmed, tired, and stressed. None of these is very good for me considering I really need to take care of myself. You know, I pride myself in being a strong person. Sometimes I realize I can't do it alone. I've been feeling this is God's tough love attempt in bringing my attention back to where it should have been all this time. To Him. When things start piling up and I feel like I can't continue, I need to lean on my heavenly father for support. This is kind of random but tonight I was watching 'Cast Away'. Even though these struggles aren't just 'mine' somtimes I feel like they are. I feel alone in my struggling. I need to really be honest with myself and my husband about what goes on with everything. I can't handle everything, even though I really do try to.

The more time goes on and I start to see my growing belly, I realize that I need to start doing things for our FAMILY. In only a few months we are going to have another mouth to feed, another body to take care of, and another being to share in our struggles, and laughter. I know I can do a good job. I think I question myself. I know my husband has faith in me. I really need to have faith in myself. Before this little boy comes into our lives I really need to examine myself and what I need to improve on. It's just tough. Ugh. Sometimes I wish it where easier, I wish I was little again. I guess there comes a time when you need to stop relying on other people (i.e. parents) and grow up and take care of your own issues.

I need to do it.
I will do it.
I can do it.
I hope. :)

Love.

Wishing for the Best

I am not 18 weeks pregnant. I really hope my belly starts to get hard soon. I'm starting to feel flutters of baby bean. It's really a fun thing. Right now my emotions are up and down. I know this comes from hormones. My job doesn't always help either. I have been trying to control them and push my emotions into other forms. Instead of being mad or anyother emotion, I clean. Yesterday I cleaned for 6 hours. It's amazing what you think about in 6 hours worth of working like that.

Sunday I went to my nephew's dedication. He's such a lover and is so sweet. Ireally liked the sermon. My sisters church is a great church. I mean I really like it but it's not my perfect fit. Every time I got to my sisters church I end up tearing up over something and one point or another. I'm hoping to try out another church next sunday. I think right now it's what I really need to start relying on. I have many questions for life and myself right now. I'm convinced the reason I've been so confused about issues and things is because God is crying out to me. He's telling me that I need to slow down and pay more attention to him. I feel bad for people around me because I must look like a big ball of grump all the time. I've just felt disconnected from life lately. I feel like I'm merely a spectator of my life; instead, I need to be living it. I need that strong fellowship. I need a place I feel like I belong.

I've also been focusing on my responsibilities of my home life. I'm really trying to make more of an effort to do more around the house, to get more done and upkeep it a little better. It just be my 'nesting' overtaking me, but it's something I've been failing at for a while. I'm trying to really pay attention to our budget. I'm trying to make more homemade meals instead of grabbing the fastest thing. The problem isn't that I can't cook, I just don't feel like I have the time. The real fact is I really do have that time! I need to use every bit of time I can. Now that my schedule has changed at work I've got three days off in a row so I can really use that to my advantage to work on projects and such without having to leave them undone. I'm trying to make more of an effort. I feel like I need to be in a right place within me before I can fully complete what I need to. Right now I'm just attempting to make that effort. As far as Aaron goes it's all fine at home. I think we need a little bit of a date day or something, because I feel like he's hasn't been getting enough attention. Either that or I haven't been getting enough attention. Tomorrow is his day off so I'm hoping to make good use of it.

Well I would like to write more but my sister and mark will be back soon from their small group. I hope to update after our ultrasound on thursday.

Love.

My Day Today

Okay, well today is my day off. I decided I was going to rent a computer to finally gain internet access till ours got fixed. I hope Aaron doesn't get mad. He's not one for this kind of thing. But I made a decision. I'm a grown woman.. I can make decisions to. Wow.. i think he may throw a fit when he gets up... lol. Is it strange to like seeing your husband frustrated and angry sometimes? It kinda makes me giggle a little bit. Anywhoo. It took me like an hour to figure out how to access my own network. I have to idea what my freaking password was. JEEZ! Well, in the end I found a cord that works. YAY. Henc, why I'm able to write an update on here.

Job Update: My job has been stressfull. Like to the extream. I haven't been happy lately. I got a warning at work because I'm not making my comission on a regular basis like I should be. It's tough. I really don't think I'm a comission type person. They are going to check my comission on the 15 and then again at the end of the month. If I dont' make the 15 and don't make the end of the month, I could be fired. BUT, if I make the 15th and not the end of the month or visa versa, my 'termination date' would be extended another set. That would keep up till I was consistantly making comission. Part of me wants to be fired. The other part is freaking out. I've never had any remote cause for anyone to let me go. It stresses me out. All this stressing is worring people around me. They are worried because all of this stressing and me being pregnant.. yadda yadda. I think if I was fired it might be a good thing. It would give me cause to try again. Maybe get into the Theater side of things like i've been wanting to. I'm only really working in a salon for my experience. I know I'm meant for bigger things. I think this is really the time to move. I just hope and pray that this is what I'm suppose to do.

Preggers update:
I'm now 17 weeks. I'm feeling great. I know I could feel the baby soon within the next few weeks. I thought i felt a ripple along my lower stomach. Was that the baby? It could have been.
My last doctors apointment went really well! I'm happy that all of my tests went great. We will be having an ultrasound soon I think. I'm hoping that we will be able to tell what the baby is! I want to know already. It's hard waiting. I've really always dreamed in girl view. So I'm hoping thats a sign. I think I might be sad if it's a boy.. but if its a boy maybe Sawyer and he could get together and date and be married one day! hehe lesley.

Well, not much else to say at the moment except I'm really excited to have internet right now!

love.